I grew up seeing the differences between a home with a SAHM and one without. But as much as I always wanted to be a house wife, and SAHM, I never thought I could, or would. I loved working too much, I loved the break, the social aspects of work - I loved having people to see outside of my home, and I loved having the money to go do things.
Well, in 2009 I was involved in a rather abusive relationship with someone who was abusing drugs. by October 2009, I was pretty much fed up - I was ready to leave. My depression had hit a all time low, I lost all my friends, I couldn't go anywhere, and my daughter and I stayed at my ex's house every weekend. If we didn't my phone would blow up, or she was checking on me, or wanted to know why I was mad at her. All because I wanted some down time.
I wasn't married to her, I was dating her.
In November 2009 the unthinkable happened. While she had pushed, smacked, and shoved me several times, she had never full on attacked me.
We left for church, and I told her before we left that I had to get my stuff and go. I couldn't handle the relationship anymore and it was wearing me down. She begged me not to go, asked me to please just go to church with her, and to pray about it. I did....
when we got back to her house, I asked her to open the door so I could get my things, she refused. Her father (who lived downstairs or the two family) opened the door for me, and I started packing my things. She was furious, and so angry. She started calling people, she started telling my daughter how I lied, and how I don't love her (my ex) anymore, and that we were leaving. She really pulled my daughter into it.
After I packed all my things into the car - TV and all, I asked her to get out. I told her I was going home and I wanted her out. She refused.
We drove maybe half a while from her house and while I Was driving down a side street, out of no where, she started attacking me. Punching me in my head, my face, my shoulder and my arm. I had cuts from a ring she was wearing, my ear was bleeding, my eye was swelling - and all this took place while my daughter was in the car watching, screaming for her to stop.
I still cry thinking of how she much have felt, helpless, in the back seat yelling for someone to help Mommy.
My childhood was filled with unmentionable abuse - abuse that took place in and outside of my home. My father was a very angry man, and his step father ...... he did things I dont feel the need to speak about.
Anyways, after all this happened - I cowered. My depression got even worse, I felt worthless, I felt like I could never be loved, and no one would ever see me as someone worth loving.
Then, I met Andrew. He was performing at a local bar, and I went to see him. Love at first sight? I think so ;)
He has spent the last 3 years undoing what my ex did to me.
In December of 2009 I lost my job at Key Bank. My FMLA had ran out, and I was spending more time off the phones crying in the bathroom than I was helping customers.
I tried so hard over that summer to fix what was happening, I felt like I could be her superwoman and help her get her life straight - I was wrong.
So when I met Andrew, I was broken, weak, and unable to even feel anything worthy of love.
I still felt like it was all my fault, and I did for well over a year.
I have struggled with depression and BiPolar for the majority of my life. In and out of counseling, on and off of med's. I placed a child in adoption, and I lost one child to his father.
I wasn't able to stay in counseling, or to stay on meds - I was working full time and I couldn't afford my medical plan. I had no idea what I was doing when I signed up.
On top of all this I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in July 2009, and I had no idea how to cope. But on top of it, my legs were going weak and giving out on me. I was blacking out and passing out. But through the MRI's, CAT scans, and EEG's, nothing shows up. I feel like I am lost.
So, I pour my life into my home. Some days are better than others - some days I spend on the couch all day wanting nothing more to cry, but fearing if I start I wont stop, other days I bake and clean until the house is beautiful and smells yummy. But the minute my daughter runs in that door from school, or comes in from playing outside in the summer, I wrap her in my arms, and know she is ok.
The biggest part of my depression is fear - fear that what happened to me will happen to her. I never want her to feel worthless like I did. And when Andrew came along, he made both of our life's better.
Like any married couple, we have our ups and downs - but he is my rock. And he is Kathleen's Daddy. And I couldn't be happier to be a SAHM so I can show them, on my good days, just how much I love them.
So you see, my decision to be a SAHM wasn't because Andrew made enough money to cover two salaries (because he makes just above minimum wage), it wasn't because I just loved spending time caring for my kids 24/7 (had I done this when Kat was a baby or a toddler, I would have lost my mind), and I didnt do this because I am lazy (I go stir crazy on a daily basis).
I did this because my disability keeps me from working - most days (99% of the time) it keeps me from even walking out the front door. I live in fear that if I Walk out of the house, something bad will happen - Murphy's Law. When I do leave, its never alone, and almost always with Andrew.
but I found comfort in knowing, I can still provide for my family - even if not financially. I can cook for them, I can clean for them, I can show them all the love I can. And when I cant do those things, Andrew does. He knows how hard it is for me to lead a normal life. But in the end, I try my hardest to be as normal as possible.
I guess you can say, in a way, I didnt chose this lifestyle, this lifestyle chose me.
I was just lucky to have an amazing Grandma to show me how to do it right, when I can....
*Patty*
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